On unanswered prayers & keeping the faith

i just heard some news that shocked me a bit. but surprisingly, out of the mixed feelings that i'm dealing with at the moment, one stood out --- relief.

relief that it was not me. relief that i had the opportunity to get out of a possible life-altering situation. relief that God did not answer my prayers with a YES at that time.

God definitely knows what's best for me. He doesn't give me what i thought i wanted and/or needed at that time because He knew better. He ALWAYS does.

And with that in mind, i strongly believe that my present circumstance is of no exception. That He has reasons which i may not understand right now, but would definitely be an "aha!" moment soon. And this knowledge together with continuous kneeling, eases the storms within me, calms my worried soul.

So, despite the disturbing questions that hammer my everyday thoughts, my heart, without the slightest hint of doubt, happily screams: "Yes Lord, I will be still, for I know that You are God."

wanna bounce

"In New York!
Concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
There's nothing you can’t do,
Now you're in New York!
These streets will make you feel brand new,
the lights will inspire you,
Let's hear it for New York, New York, New York!"

@ Times Square with mom

parang gusto ko na ring mag-NY nalang muna. *hayuup!*

soon

can't wait to see the end of this sick sick road.
and then take that sweet jump off the cliff.
cause this, right now, just doesn't make any sense.
AT ALL.

a rebirth

insane music filled the room. so loud that i felt it helping my heart continue beating. and the blinding lights played with my imaginings. with "the liquid courage" as company, i danced the night away in the midst of an ocean of people. not minding the rest of the world's concerns but only the four corners of that night's happy place.

so this is how it feels --- again. to be so alive. to feel your soul dance so effortlessly. to let your spirit run free and find its way to the heavens. this is how it feels to be free from all the worries and fears that cloud the mind. to feel so invincible; as if i can conquer the world. to feel my thirst for life be quenched with joyous juvenile carelessness.

oh good times!

where's the nearest exit?

i so want to get away.

wanting a blackout

how i wish there's an on and off switch to this. that everything will just go blank when you want it to be; when you need it to be. and then complete and utter happy silence.

stubborn & proud of it

"The first step towards happiness is always the hardest." - H. Carter, Shrink (2009)

I was looking at the ground that my feet are standing upon. Where exactly am I now? Is this halfway? Or i was so busy with flying that i hesitated to set foot on the ground --- at all?

I refuse to bathe in the darkness. I refuse to get lost in it or worse, be swallowed in its oblivion. I figured that there is no comfort in darkness but only a pitch black empty hole.

What's so wrong with choosing to dismiss the negative thoughts away that people are insisting that I should go through the process? The process. Is there really a right and wrong way of treading this path? Am I bound to fail if I skip the normal method that most people are using? Is getting pricked (yet again) by the same thorn obliges me to sip the blood and taste it? And what if I don't? Would the wound stay open for my entire lifetime?

I have said this before and I'm going to say it again. I choose to skip. Why? Because I find it useless not to. Because I have my life to attend to. Because I could no longer afford to get stuck there. Because I no longer want to see myself groping for nothing. Because it's not worth it.

So, this leads us back to the first question --- where the heck am I now?

I am on my way to serenity. I am on my way to having peace of mind and peace of heart. I believe so because I have prayed for it. And God won't fail me.

A few steps ahead? Halfway? I am not sure.

But this is me choosing to be happy.

And this is me doing what I'm supposed to do.

Living.

Learning.

Letting go.

& of course, LETTING GOD.