dawn

And he's thinking about himself now. Recalling why he is where he is. Reminding himself why. Recognizing the setbacks. Feeling the pain.

A stranger in hell, that is what he is. Though he claims that evilness is his craft, his acts betray him. His intentions, his aspirations --- they all mirror the person within.

But then again, nobody sees.

found this note as I was flipping through the pages of my civil law book. written last July 18, 2010, on the back of a starbucks receipt.

first blow

I didn't even get to blink.

Having left with none, I was forced to face the inevitable. The sudden gap, the lingering painful scent & the burnt blueprints.

Your choice was to give in. Mine was happiness. It was not an easy choice. And it was not without effort and fear. I called on my wonderwalls at strange hours to fight idleness with whispers of hope and the promise of better days ahead. Sometimes, when the pillars are not available, liquid courage keep me company and it spoke of things I didn't dare speak.

I consciously skipped the big humps and built walls around me. Walls that were needed to remain focused on the goal and to keep my eyes from being distracted by the sea of faces. "I'll open my pandora's box when the case at hand is over," I said to myself.

And now that September's struggle was over and done with, it was a surprise that what I kept hidden transformed into something unsubstantial, negligible. I realized that it is of no use to me nor to who I desire to become. I no longer see the need of dealing with the intense emotions of the past because the now is far more important to cherish. Yes, I can be shaken at times of uncalled-for updates, but I'm not and can no longer be stirred. Hell to the no.

So, I'm un-stepping on the breaks now. Life already handed me the green light.

on keeping my faith & the movie "The Book of Eli"

Just got home from watching the movie "The Book of Eli". One word: EPIC.

It was a cue which I badly needed after being too complacent lately as regards how I handle and view my faith. I know it's there, but I also know that it lacks intensity. It's like looking at it from afar and still trusting that it'll come and rescue me after my careless neglect. And my conscience is telling me that it should not be part of my loosening up.

My faith saw me through all of my battles. It was faith that made me relentlessly climb my mountains until I saw how majestic the view is from the top. It's the same faith that keeps me putting one foot after another during my runs. It is what makes me believe in the wonderful surprises that await me, the promise of true love and happiness. It is and will be the only thing that holds me together when everything else falls apart.

All of these things that my faith led me to achieve should be a constant reminder for me to be incessant in keeping it strong. That feeding it should be one of my priorities. And most importantly, because I know that I have it means that I should never doubt nor question. Yes, faith is absolute blind obedience. As Eli said, "Walk by faith and not by sight.... It's faith. It doesn't have to make sense."

And so with faith as my weapon, I trust that I will win my present and future battles with purpose. And I hope that in the end, I will also be able to speak these final words with pride: "I have fought a good fight. I have finished the race. And I have kept the faith."

friday, 14:17

"I don’t need no one to tell me about heaven
I look at my daughter, and I believe.
I don’t need no proof when it comes to God and truth
I can see the sunset and I perceive, yeah

darling, I believe, Oh Lord
sometimes it’s hard to breathe, Lord
at the bottom of the sea"

Faith. Keep still.

one hell of a weekend

the after party at the rooftop

Taken one super fun saturday night which I wrote about in one of my previous blogs.

That night's 3 stops:

1. Few drinks at Cafe Puccino.
2. One hell of a party at Encore. (thanks to Ishka, we made it on the guestlist)
3. after party drinking at the rooftop of O's hotel

... and the next thing we knew, it's already sunrise. ;D

just do it

At these times, thinking won’t help — at all.

So for now, it would be pure choosing & doing.

A needed emotional shutdown where all else is insignificant but the goal.

This is me getting healthy.

This is me doing this for me.

somewhere in the middle

'nuff said.

dream comfort zone

never liked hairy men. but in this case, i'll make an exception.haha

why coffee?

for the coffee addict in me --- reasons why coffee is all goooood. :)

smart vs. stupid

came across the brand new campaign ad of diesel.
love em.

so are you smart, or are you stupid? ;P

big baby steps. ;P

my mind at 21:55, 02032010

not now.. this is for the chase which is the best part of it all.. hopefully soon..

this is now:

what's funny?

*LOL* :D

(thanks to pinoyblabbermouth)

post-it note to self #2

whatta way to start my february

I KNOW RIGHT?!?!?!

On unanswered prayers & keeping the faith

i just heard some news that shocked me a bit. but surprisingly, out of the mixed feelings that i'm dealing with at the moment, one stood out --- relief.

relief that it was not me. relief that i had the opportunity to get out of a possible life-altering situation. relief that God did not answer my prayers with a YES at that time.

God definitely knows what's best for me. He doesn't give me what i thought i wanted and/or needed at that time because He knew better. He ALWAYS does.

And with that in mind, i strongly believe that my present circumstance is of no exception. That He has reasons which i may not understand right now, but would definitely be an "aha!" moment soon. And this knowledge together with continuous kneeling, eases the storms within me, calms my worried soul.

So, despite the disturbing questions that hammer my everyday thoughts, my heart, without the slightest hint of doubt, happily screams: "Yes Lord, I will be still, for I know that You are God."

wanna bounce

"In New York!
Concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
There's nothing you can’t do,
Now you're in New York!
These streets will make you feel brand new,
the lights will inspire you,
Let's hear it for New York, New York, New York!"

@ Times Square with mom

parang gusto ko na ring mag-NY nalang muna. *hayuup!*

soon

can't wait to see the end of this sick sick road.
and then take that sweet jump off the cliff.
cause this, right now, just doesn't make any sense.
AT ALL.

a rebirth

insane music filled the room. so loud that i felt it helping my heart continue beating. and the blinding lights played with my imaginings. with "the liquid courage" as company, i danced the night away in the midst of an ocean of people. not minding the rest of the world's concerns but only the four corners of that night's happy place.

so this is how it feels --- again. to be so alive. to feel your soul dance so effortlessly. to let your spirit run free and find its way to the heavens. this is how it feels to be free from all the worries and fears that cloud the mind. to feel so invincible; as if i can conquer the world. to feel my thirst for life be quenched with joyous juvenile carelessness.

oh good times!

where's the nearest exit?

i so want to get away.

wanting a blackout

how i wish there's an on and off switch to this. that everything will just go blank when you want it to be; when you need it to be. and then complete and utter happy silence.

stubborn & proud of it

"The first step towards happiness is always the hardest." - H. Carter, Shrink (2009)

I was looking at the ground that my feet are standing upon. Where exactly am I now? Is this halfway? Or i was so busy with flying that i hesitated to set foot on the ground --- at all?

I refuse to bathe in the darkness. I refuse to get lost in it or worse, be swallowed in its oblivion. I figured that there is no comfort in darkness but only a pitch black empty hole.

What's so wrong with choosing to dismiss the negative thoughts away that people are insisting that I should go through the process? The process. Is there really a right and wrong way of treading this path? Am I bound to fail if I skip the normal method that most people are using? Is getting pricked (yet again) by the same thorn obliges me to sip the blood and taste it? And what if I don't? Would the wound stay open for my entire lifetime?

I have said this before and I'm going to say it again. I choose to skip. Why? Because I find it useless not to. Because I have my life to attend to. Because I could no longer afford to get stuck there. Because I no longer want to see myself groping for nothing. Because it's not worth it.

So, this leads us back to the first question --- where the heck am I now?

I am on my way to serenity. I am on my way to having peace of mind and peace of heart. I believe so because I have prayed for it. And God won't fail me.

A few steps ahead? Halfway? I am not sure.

But this is me choosing to be happy.

And this is me doing what I'm supposed to do.

Living.

Learning.

Letting go.

& of course, LETTING GOD.

need some?

The Liquid Courage. :P

nothing beats the bloodline (part 2)

My siblings & cousins.

My persons.

My wonderwall.

nothing beats the bloodline (part 1)

I am a Villarico. And this is my family.

The Villarico Clan

the six magnificent siblings


with their significant others

These beautiful people. These are the people who brought us to the world. These are the people who spent sleepless nights when we wanted our milk or threw tantrums in the wee hours of the morning. They are our voice of reason especially when we chose the path to independence and eventually make our own set of mistakes. And when we do, cushions were already laid down to catch our fall. They fought our battles for us with their greatest weapon --- prayer.

And so, Dad/Mom, Auntie Choling, Uncle Remy/Auntie Daling, Auntie Goring, Uncle Cesar/Auntie Nila, Uncle Narding/Auntie Ely:

As you near the sunset of your lives, know that we are here to take care of you. Hindi po kami mapapagod na akayin kayo at pagsilbihan sa araw-araw. We owe our little successes and triumphs to all of you. We are living testimonies of how good parents/guardians and friends you all are and we hope we make you proud. Mahal na mahal po namin kayo.

remembering post-dark age happiness

summer of 2007. it was the dawn of my dark age aftermath.
carefree long drives/joy rides whether alone or with a friend, lazy days with bru, spur of the moment escapades, meeting new faces, unpredictable conclusions, etc.
it was absolute freedom.
so here's something to prepare me for more than that.



can't wait.

dealing with a monday

something to jumpstart my monday and the rest of my week:



"coz there's time
it's not too late
to change direction
turn your head son
so let's leave it on the line"

a surprisingly alive thursday

woke up with a rather blank mind despite the weird incoherent dreams. but i guess it's a good thing.

so lemme sing:



yep. it is. don't know why. it just is. thank God.

recharging.

no strenuous thinking.

no seeking for answers.

no dissecting.

no. none of that sort.

this is me avoiding all chaos. this is me avoiding the drama.

i choose to skip. impossible? watch me.